Yeah! And make it golden because, you know, Delhi girl… “So, he left. I’ll prove it to you now. What is that shit, bro? True story.
If you meet somebody in there, you just assume they’re a ghost. You know, in case you think of that one extra girl and the legs go. She can just think of it and 20 “its” will line up outside her door.
Um… I’m Dr. Das now. ‘Cause if you write a blog after this shit, I will go to jail.
Nothing is going well.
That’s all that’s left. I have balls. Look, if we chill out and talk about religion, what is a religion?
“Make America great.” “Build that wall.” “Jail that bitch.” “Drain that swamp.” “I’m lovin’ it.” “You’re worth it.” “Liyo to Jio.” “Abki baar Modi sarkar.” We are on board instantly. You can. You’re sleeping well?” “Ram, can you get your creepy brother out of here, please?
I’ve had maybe 300, 400 steaks in my life. You know, you can’t just drape two bed sheets around yourself and run an investment bank. Maybe you have a loss.
There are two Sardar doctors with surgical masks looking down at me, of which one is Dr. Santokh. There’s Shukriya-giving… …where you stuff a turkey into a burqa. So, an Indian heroine spends her whole day just doing athletics. I thought about how this might be a story my grandfather Baba would tell. Single-hero comic books. Something like “lozenges” or… “logarithm.” Like, till date, I can’t write cursive.
But… Every day on Twitter I am called anti-national, unpatriotic, a traitor, un-Indian, and to all of that shit, I say, “Spot on!” Because, fun fact, 80% of my nationality is Indian, but I’m 20% African. Every now and then, a doctor comes and pokes my stomach. The filet mignon. Ladies, it’s more valuable than yours. If this world is going to progress, Eighty percent of us, this, everything, everyone needs to go. Based on a true story.
It’s my childhood, guys.
I come from India. When my parents went to Africa in the early ’80s, when Indians were going to Africa for gold and diamonds and oil and malaria… Malaria has pretty much never left Africa. Jesus Christ! The dictionary defines feminism as the advocacy of equal rights based on the equality of the sexes.
Keep your shit together. Is this powerful?
And we legit don’t eat beef. Men, we just want to get some. ‘Cause Hindus are like your common best friend who’s caught in the middle of your awkward break-up.
I went from Shakespeare, Byron and Keats to, “Eh, madam, eh!” I couldn’t do the examination thing. You know what I was trying to do with that movie? It’s gonna be on Netflix. Five-inch. Shut the fuck up! Just the BuzzFeed articles rising in their bodies.
Look, guys, I believe the future of world peace is not going to come from politics or economics.
My granddad taught me that 80% of this honesty that we value so much in each other is unnecessary. Then my waitress came over and I noticed her looking at my unfinished piece of beef. I left my waitress a $350 tip with a note… that said, “Look, I know where you are right now because I’ve been here too. Don’t you want to see Brown Cow, huh?
Oh, as somebody who grew up in Africa, it made me so happy to see… You know, it just made me happy to see African voices and African perspectives and African fashion, packaged together beautifully to make money for nine white people.
There are just more smart Indians. But you won’t always be here, I promise you.
It’s feminism, not the Gymkhana Club. She had never worked before, so she did the one thing that women who spoke good English in India did.
You just thought there was 300 bucks in there for a rainy day, right? My stomach is hurting. “I have balls. Who here has read The Ramayan? I feel like, as Hindus, we can say that shit. I was 16 years old. I learned… …that your talent belongs to you… and weirdly, your reputation belongs to other people. Yeah, buddy, do you have a scar? Now, before I tell you my next story, are there any Sardars or Sikh gentlemen in the audience? I got given an honorary doctorate. And two, no matter where I went in the entire world, people said the same thing. Why are men expected to do this? I went from India’s top private boarding school, The Lawrence School, Sanawar… Yeah, yeah, damaged goods.
And that’s The Ramayan.
This is our God.” – The Tesseract falls to the floor. Fourteen years. You know, one day I will go back to India and there I can eat all the beef I want.” But you have to understand.
You can do it. And don’t eat beef. And you’re like, “Man, I wanna do that some day.” And I did. Good morning. If I distort facts about The Ramayan, I can go to jail. And if you’re gonna say good shit to other people, make damn sure that you say it… out loud. She probably ran into the kitchen like, “This Indian guy wants to fuck me for 350 bucks!
You tell them how you were Employee of the Month at KPMG or some shit like that.
Thank you so much. Indian men, have you ever jacked off in an empty room with no furniture? And I know what you’re thinking, “Vir, which 20%?” And I will tell you. Big, big balls. We see Shahrukh Khan on TV. Sita went missing.
I know it seems far-fetched, but I’m a man. In Lagos, Nigeria, but see, when I say the word “Africa,” firstly, some musical shit happens in your head, right? Why do men have to defend women like they’re objects? I just thought it was time to really embrace my roots, you know, and to make my comedy more authentically Indian. What do I do?” He said, “You know, one day I tied your father to a tree and beat him. Think about your country. Saddest day of my life. I lost 80% of my mind. That’s our shit, right?
Okay, women, calm the fuck down.
It will come from religions. How big is it? Are you guys excited, yeah? There’s first, second… third… …third… …third… and fourth. We oppress the Indian girl child by keeping her out of school. My DNA is everywhere. And when you do that shit, you discover that only Shahrukh Khan can pull that off.
– Yeah! He said, “Man, one day, my stomach was hurting.
If there’s one thing we can learn from racists, it’s less talk, more action.
You know, maybe 17 Avengers from now. But much better than receiving my degree for saving lives… what felt a lot better was the meal I had after. Don’t tell anybody. Do you know how important it is for a boy to have his own room at 16?
I see… Ta-ta-tat-ta-ta-ta-ta!
She’s an entrepreneur. I don’t know how to be a feminist. Or maybe they don’t care as long as it’s not a brown cow. I read the script. Hallowed be thy name… Yalla be thy name.
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